Backup Plan
by Goggled Monkey
Summary: Rule #1: When on team 'has no weapons' learn to properly seduce your cell guard, regardless of your guard's gender and lack of skin. Slight slash, and a lot of silly.


'lo all,

Ok this show is disturbingly fun to write for so I have fandom hopped to it. Hazaa! The characters are adorable, especially Neil, so I was compelled to make with the fic. It is slashy but not a lot, so it's all good.

Thanks to Catalyst for doing the whole beta thing. Wuv You.

Ok, Enjoy.

x . o . x

Backup Plan

Their first problem was the booby trap. Specifically, while the rest of the team was working to save the world, the shrine the two of them had been searching was booby-trapped and they were currently being thrown into the shrine's cell. The fact that the shrine even had a cell was neither here nor there at the moment.

Secondly, it wasn't until Odie had seen the stone mural around Eidothea's altar he'd realized that they had royally mixed up their nymphs and the second half of the brooch was in another shrine, and if he wasn't mistaken again, on another continent entirely. Talk about a mess up of epic 'sorry but your princess is in another castle' proportions. Of course, the fact Herry had turned into the majestic oak now towering in The Brownstone's front lawn should have been a clue but hindsight was 20/20.

However, neither of those problems were Odie's main dilemma. The third and most pressing point of this whole affair was that Jay, who generally did well in the leader role, had decided to pair Neil and Odie together on the brooch retrieval team. It was an unfortunate mix. Neil probably also regretted being on team 'neither of use wield a weapon and as such are generally useless when ambushed by giant shrine guardians'.

It wasn't that Neil couldn't be helpful in certain situations but, in life and death situations, Odie didn't really think one should count on luck and charm to save one's butt. Frankly, the luck-charm thing could be irritating. Odie did not, in fact, think that Neil being incredibly lucky meant he didn't have to help search a ruin because he would have naturally just found what they were looking for. (Even if the brooch wasn't in this particular shrine as Odie had realized three seconds before a sword tried to decapitate him.) And, he didn't think being captured instead of killed was particularly lucky no matter what Neil said.

As for the charm, Odie could do without, as that could be genuinely horrifying considering whom Neil was turning the bedroom eyes on for.

After the cell door clanged shut behind them, he whirled upon the blond incredulously.

"Ok, you were seriously not just flirting with that thing!" Odie pointed at the closed door behind which the sound of 'that thing' lumbering away could be heard. And what Neil had been doing was clearly flirting. Oh, the simpering and hair tosses. Who could do all that with their hands behind their backs? Well, Neil apparently.

Neil shrugged completely unabashed. "Hey I'm only using my charms to save us. It's what heroes do."

"He's an eight foot tall skeleton wielding a sword!"

"So? We must use the gifts we were born with."

"I don't get how you can possibly think _that_ would help the situation."

"Did you see her? She's probably lonely guarding this temple and setting traps. A pretty face like mine smiling at her probably gave her the biggest bolt of joy. She'll totally just let us go once she realizes she's in love with me"

"She is a he."

"Oh you can't know that."

"Actually you can tell the sex from the skeleton. It all has to do with the size of the pelvic bones and…" Odie trailed off when Neil just stared at him clearly not caring.

"Whatever. Trust me, it doesn't matter what he is. This face, this smile," Neil gave Odie a white flash of the Miss Universe smile, "He's in love with me. It's a hormonal thing."

"He doesn't have hormones! He doesn't have skin!"

"You'll see." Neil sing-songed. Odie rolled his eyes.

"Yea I'll see me figure out a way out of here while you flirt with the oblivious monster. Plus there's more then the one skeleton." Why was the undead wandering around a Nymph's abandoned shrine anyway?

"Bah. He looked like a smart guy aside from being dead. He'll figure something out. Just wait and see." The self-inflation continued. One of these days, Neil was going to make his head pop with feelings of self-grandeur.

"How long do you think it's going to take before the rest of the team is turned into an arboretum? We need to get the other half of that brooch." It had only been Herry affected so far but with Neil and Odie trying to get the piece of the device to reverse those kinds of changes, which only left four heroes against a power hungry God wielding half a brooch imbued with a nymph's transformation magic. A specific nymph at that. He couldn't believe they were in the wrong place. How did he make that mistake anyway? Damn it. Plants. That was the clue there.

"I told you," Neil pouted, "if it was here I would have found it already." He eyes lit up, "Unless it's in this room." He examined the room with a critical eye. It was 5 foot by 5-foot completely empty room. There was nothing to examine critically yet he still did, lips pursed hand thoughtfully on his chin. Odie resisted the urge to wring his neck but only just barely. Instead, he paced.

"We need to find a way out of here."

"I told you, give it a minute and-"

"We don't have time for your ridiculous plan to not work. Jay and the others are out there fighting Cronus right now and Herry and half of New Olympia are already plants. This is serious."

"Is it more serious now then it was before?"

"Well…yea. We're kind of in the wrong shrine so…"

"I told you it wasn't here," Neil said triumph flashing across his face two seconds before the hysteria, "What do you meeeean this is the wrong place? You picked it!"

"I may have mixed up my nymphs and we're pretty much not in the shrine of a nymph who liked to change people into plants," Odie admitted reluctantly feeling foolish. In his defense, they had left in a slight panic since a large percent of the city was no longer human but he should have double-checked his myth knowledge.

"It's more like we're in a shrine of a nymph who changes people into bugs." Bug transformations just like the scene depicted on that accursed mural.

"You choose the wrong nymph?" Neil grasped his chest looking scandalized and slightly betrayed. Odie scowled. What was he? Nymphipedia? Like he had all this stuff memorized?

"Cut me some slack. There are a lot of nymphs." Odie tried to sound nonchalant despite his totally lack of it. How could he have chosen the wrong one? He sucked as The Brain. Honestly. "Eidothea had the thing for beetles, not trees. The brooch is Lotus's we have to go to her shrine."

Neil gave him a look that said he might as well be speaking Greek.

Why everyone didn't take a greater interest in Greek mythology astounded him since they were living it daily. Well, ok to be fair most of the guys dabbled in the myths when they didn't decide to just make Odie do it. But did Neil do anything except lounge around with Aphrodite? Would it kill him to know something about the past especially since it was nymphs that cursed Narcissus in the first place? But nooo. Let's get Odie to read all the books. And why did no one but Archie ever crack open The Odyssey? Maybe it would come in handy? Just a little bit?

Instead of looking penitent for making Odie want to rip his hair out, Neil gave him a look. It wasn't a nice look.

"Well I'm so glad you figured that out. It's not like we're in a cell or anything preventing us for doing something about it." Neil had the audacity of cross his arms and continue giving his petulant look.

"You're hilarious," Odie snapped walking past Neil to examine the barred window of their cell, "I'm the brains right? I'm working on a plan to get us out of here."

Neil did not look particularly impressed. "Is your plan waiting around until Jay comes to rescue us? Because I could have come up with that one."

Odie decided it would be best to ignore his teammate. The bars of the three thousand-year-old ruin looked understandably rusted. Maybe they could jury-rig a fulcrum device to knock them out and slip through. Yeah, except the skeletons had grabbed their stuff including their PMRs before tossing them in the cell and Odie wasn't MacGyver. Ok. He needed a back up plan.

"Is your backup plan waiting around for Atlanta to save us?" Odie felt his right eye twitch. Yes, ignoring Neil was a good thing.

"You can just relax. I totally have this one covered." Neil leant back against the wall hands behind his head. "Trust in how incredible charming I am. And how great my hair looks today."

"You know I don't think calling him babe and batting your eyes is really going to cut it here."

"It was sweetie. And I have such nice eyes." Neil said disagreeing, batting his eyes, and generally missing the important part of the sentence. That being the subtext "it's not going to work, your plan is stupid and if you don't shut up I'm doing something horrible to your hair". Odie could pack a lot of subtext into a sentence.

Odie sighed. You couldn't expect any less from the ancestor of Narcissus. He didn't know why he tried. Neil's problem was thinking that everyone in the whole world was attracted to him regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation and, in the case of their cell guard, status of life. There were people out there not lying at Neil's feet, Odie included, but see if you could get that through Neil's thick skull.

"I'm going to explain this very slowly and only once. He. Is. A. Giant. Skeleton." Odie punctuated every other word by jabbing his finger into Neil's chest while gesturing wildly at the cell door with his other hand, "He's not interested in dating you."

The door creaked open and said giant skeleton walked in.

"Gaaaah!!" They both screamed at the same time, verbatim what they shouted the first time the guards popped up, and briefly struggled to hide behind the other. Neil won and peered at their visitor from behind Odie. Suddenly he grinned, relaxing against Odie back.

"Oh never mind. It's the one who's madly in love with me."

"You can't know that." Odie really hoped that the lack of skin also gave the horrible undead the lack of ability to hear stage whispering. Or, that he wasn't offended by stupid people.

"Sure I can. See, he brought me a present." The skeleton did have something in his hand. Odie tensed, somehow more then he already had, wondering if it was something horrible and fatal. Boney arms were trust out. A tan arm reached out from over Odie's shoulder and grabbed what appeared to be a bowl.

"Oh, thank you. That's too sweet," Neil, gushed right into Odie's ear, still keeping the other teen between him and the giant horror.

The skeleton nodded his head, clicked his jaw, and made a vague gesture towards the cell door before he shuffled back out. At the threshold, he looked back with empty eye sockets and all the hair on Odie's arms stood up. That was seriously creepy. The door clanged behind him.

"Not very talkative, is he?"

"He doesn't have vocal cords." Odie replied dryly. "Or a throat. Or any skin."

"Yeah, that's so gross."

"He also locked the doors behind him. And didn't let us go. Like you said he would."

"Uh huh" Neil was too enthralled by his whatever to speak to Odie.

"What is that any way?"

Neil looked at the dark red liquid and gave it a sniff. "Looks like wine." He shrugged and tilted the bowl to take a sip.

"Don't drink that!" Odie yelped.

"Oh you're right." Neil held the bowl away from his lips with a grimace. "This bowl's probably filthy."

Odie just stared in the face of stupidity. What was wrong with his teammates? Why did they insist on touching and eating things that they had no business touching or eating? Didn't they read the stories? You don't just put on masks you find lying around. You don't taunt demi-gods into cursing you. You never eat food in the underworld!

He could picture his teammates in any given situation going,_ 'Dur de dur Ah'ma gonna lick this here glowing mystical artifact!'_

Ok maybe that was a little unfair. They weren't that bad. Besides, it wasn't as if these kinda mistakes couldn't happen to anybody

'_Dur de dur. Ah'ma gonna use this here magical watch an' there'll be noooo consequences at all.'_

Odie winched at the memory then glared at Neil still staring bemused at the wine. "Toss that out."

"Ok, that would be totally rude. You suck at seducing guards. You don't toss their gifts out."

"It's not a gift. It's a dirty bowl filled of wine and it could be poisoned for all you know."

"Why would it be poisoned?" Neil once again looked shocked and appalled at Odie. "You know, you're also bad at gifts. Remind me to give you a list before my birthday."

"Why wouldn't it be poisoned? He's already locked us in here."

"He was clearly trying to look cool in front of the other horrible skeleton monsters. He's scared of what his heart is feeling…"

"He doesn't have a heart," Odie started, making a grab for the bowl. Neal dodged easily and held the bowl out of Odie's reach still of in his own world.

"…and this is his way of asking me out on a date."

"Ok. That's dumb even for you." Odie tried standing on tiptoes to reach the bowl, suddenly reminded of those particularly embarrassing moments throughout his childhood. At least Neil wasn't singing 'keep away' because then Odie would have to kill him, prophesy or no prophesy. "It's poison. Do not drink it."

"Why would he bother poisoning me? He has a sword." Odie was not going to admit that that was a good point. He threw up his hands.

"Ok fine! You win. The eight foot guard beyond all reason has fallen for your incredible beauty and completely irritating attitude and as such has given you a bowl of most likely poisoned wine which will in turn change you into a hideous skeleton so you will be forced to stay with him forever in this shrine without any skin!"

It appeared threats to his skin caused words to sink into Neil's brain. Neil shrieked like a girl, per usual, and flung the wine away from him scrambling back least any droplets get on his skin. Odie smirked. _That ought to shut him up for a while I figured a way out of here._

"Well hey, look at that."

Or not. Odie sighed and followed Neil's gaze. And stared at the brass key lying in the puddle slowly seeping between the cracks on the floor.

Oh, no way.

Neil laughed at him eyes crinkling in mirth as he stooped to grab the key. Odie was shocked beyond words. How did that happen? That thing was a freaking skeleton! How did that possibly work and only for a mere hair flick, a wink, and a term of endearment?

"I told you to trust me Odie." Neil gave Odie the blinding Miss America smile again, "It's the hair and the teeth and the fact this room is bathed in moonlight." Neil tossed his hair. "I look great in moonlight."

Odie's reply caught in his throat as Neil started listing all the lights he looked good in. He stared at Neil who was indeed standing in the moon light smiling, obscenely really, and flicking his incredibly golden hair. Odie's stomach gave a leap and he felt his face heat up. Oh. He never so desperately longed to hear a term of endearment before.

He snapped out of it barely when Neil strode by him, brushing him with an elbow to look out the cell door.

"And look at that, no one's around and all our stuff is piled right by the door. Am I good or am I good?" That was really an indecent hip wiggle.

"Ok yea, good…sure" Odie muttered completely distracted his mind a whirl. Sure Neil was annoying but he was also kind of…um…radiant? Why was he thinking up the synonyms for radiant? Glowing, brilliant bright, luminous, sparkling. He tried to think up the antonym of radiant but was having difficulty.

And now Neil was looking at him over the shoulder and the room was still filled with damn moonlight. Neil really did have nice cheekbones. All in all Neil was honestly kind of hot. Gah! Why did he just think that? Odie gave his head a hard shake.

"Are you coming?" Neil clearly was missing Odie's internal mental break down. Odie shook his head again glad his complexion hid his blush.

"Yeah, yeah, right behind you." He focused his eyes on the floor not daring to look at his friend. After all, they had a job to do, world to save.

And Odie seriously had a memory to repress.

Fin

x . o . x

(Teeny epilogue in drabble form. 100 word count bitches!)

"Jay, catch!" Odie flung the second half of the brooch to Jay who was trying to disarm Cronos of the transmogrifying device. Teresa and Jay, the last of their teammates still human, had gotten their hands on a pair of golden bucklers and were using them to deflect the half-brooch's beams.

Teresa swiveled, reflecting a beam.

There was a blue flash and Neil disappeared from Odie's side with a yelp. As Jay managed to finally wrangle the brooch away, Odie smirked at the daffodils by his feet.

"How appropriate." Odie mocked.

That'd teach Neil to be so dammed attractive.

Bastard.

x . o . x

Ok, enough of that. Time for the real end.

Hmm,

Secretly everyone one on the team has found Neil attractive one time or another. These are the memories they all repress. It's true!!

Ok, I was planning to say something important here (or maybe just very witty) but I forgot so instead I'll just say, thanks for reading. Please leave a review, criticism is fine of course, because reviews make me feel good in my soul. And my pants. Wait. Was that last part TMI? Sorry 'bout that.

Love and kisses

-GM

24/03/08 ETC: After ffnet's campaign to fuck up my scene breaks. Screw you ffnet, your scene breakers look like monkey butt so I will continue to change my scene breakers to different characters until you have stripped us of all punctuation.


End file.
